A fresh rush of outrage at the silk bedsheet burning scene in
Veere Di Wedding has prompted the Censor Board to re-examine how its rates movies. Outrage Girl: Was so embarrassed to see ‘that scene’ with my grandmother! Social Media: Hai! Hai! Had Grandma been on Social Media: My children were fighting all the time, and grandpa was in jail for the freedom movement, how do you think I smiled through it all? Filmi Mother: Where did we go wrong with this child! CBFC: But … But … It’s an adult film Social Media: HAI HAI CBFC HAI HAI CBFC New Ratings: Grandma Approved Adult Film That Swara Bhaskar! Should play only gareeb roles! How dare she be rich!
Social Media: Hai! Hai! Grandmother from previous outrage: Why can't you be as naturally beautiful as her? Look at you girls… so much makeup in Indian weather! Outrage Girl: I hate her for being beautiful. Social Media: Hai! Hai! CBFC New Rule: Any movie with Swara Bhasker will begin with apology for her beauty. Having a ‘fat’ girl in the film body shamed! Hai! Hai!
Social Media: Hai! Hai! ‘Feminists’ on Social Media: Undue societal pressure for women to conform to patriarchal image of feminine beauty’ Had character from film been on Social Media: *Gagging sounds* followed by tears, ‘Nobody cared about me that much! Even the story had one dialogue-less bade papaji!’ CBFC: But...But… CBFC New Rule: Body Shaming Is Hazardous to Psychological Health. No actor in the film supports body shaming of any person living or dead or promotes body shaming in real life. Outrage: The girls went to Thailand when soldiers are dying in Siachen! Social Media: Hai! Hai! Army Chief: It’s movie we screened for soldiers. They fell asleep. Social Media: As apology, filmmakers must give ride to soldiers in the Bentley on Dhola Sadiya bridge! Army Chief: But… But… That’s a geographically impossible ask! CBFC New Rule: Every film must have one dialog praising soldiers dying in Siachin. Outrage: She called her mother ‘buddhi’. This is ageist! Social Media: Hai! Hai! Had ‘mother’ been on Social Media: I grew up calling my mother Khasma Nu Khani because all elderly women in the family called her that. Buddhi is tame in comparison. Social Media: Tu chup kar! Hai, Hai! CBFC New Rule: Any film featuring an elderly person will carry a warning on the scene: No Disrespecting the Elderly Outrage: No persons of religious minority were shown in the film. Social Media: Hai! Hai! Minority characters through film history: Thank Goodness! Social Media: Sab chup raho! We are fighting for equal representation! Hai! Hai! CBFC New Rule: One Minority character is a must and every Indian state (and Union Territory) must be represented in every film. Next week Outrage: Why are you calling the movie ‘Kala’? It’s a ‘savarna’ conspiracy Social Media: Hai! Hai! Filmmakers: It has Rajinikant… Social Media: *Gets squashed by one look from Rajinikant* CBFC New Rating: Okayed by Rajinikant
(with apologies to Bill Maher)
Manisha Lakhe is a poet, film critic, traveller, founder of Caferati — an online writer’s forum, hosts Mumbai’s oldest open mic, and teaches advertising, films and communication.